Well Hello Stranger…

It has been more than a hot minute since we have spoken. How do I even begin to describe the journey of the past five years. FIVE years. I was filling out an application for my new job (I’ve had 8 jobs since I was you) and it asked if I had lived anywhere outside of Virginia in the last five years and I realized my answer is no. I haven’t. I have been here for FIVE years. I self published TWO short stories. I volunteered at the library. I met friends that will soon be more of memories than beings. I built a brand and have watched it dwindle and fade. I devoted myself to faith and am now too…anxious to go back to church. The foundations on which I leaned are all gone now. And you, I barely remember you. Not in any detail worth recalling. There are HUGE gaps in my memory from not even that long ago.

So, let’s start from the beginning. Hi, nice to meet you, I’m Zoey. This is my mind dump.

I guess… I grew up

With how much my day-to-day relies on me focusing on the now, sometimes I forget to look back and see how far I’ve come. The picture on the left is my senior year of high school. That girl only ever had two boyfriends, was quietly in love with her best friend – who was never available -, the only person who she actively hung out with was her old 8th, 10th, and 11th grade English teacher. She only worked volunteer jobs, but she had a plan of action for the future. Her biggest passion was dreaming of standing up on a stage, singing songs on her ukulele with some dancing dolphins. 

Cut to now, I’ve had many a heartbreak – probably more than my fair share considering the timeline – and I’m still searching for my someone. I’m still forever going to love my best friend but I also know that we’re meant to be best friends. And I’m okay with that. I’ve switched majors from Animal Science to Creative Writing and I’ve dropped out of University. I’ve worked a job at Domino’s and was rejected from six jobs before finally finding them and becoming a part of that family. I’ve had to quit and realized that, no matter how hard I try at it, I’m just not a family person. I’ve made more real, deeper connections with my friends and family online than anyone I’ve met face-to-face first. Most importantly to me though, I’m living the dream scribbling down my fantasies for people to one day read. I’m a writer and, one day very soon, I’ll be able to call myself an author. And it’s all because of a silly random creative stream raid on Twitch, where a dorky plushieman in Alabama decided to sew a cube Foamy the squirrel. Although, that is one constant that she and I and a little 12 year old have in common. Foamy the Squirrel. 
Despite all of these experiences making up the person I see in the mirror, I forget that she never knew all of these things when I was her. And in a day, in a week, in another three years, that me won’t be the me I am now either. Others won’t recognize us as the same, because we won’t be the same. Anything could happen to me tommorow, and although tomorrow is never promised, if it does come, it brings change. 
I hope you embrace it well, Zoey

Hawai’i Resignation Letter

11 May 2016

Dear Hawai’i, 

Please accept this letter as notice of my resignation from my position as a student at the University of Hawai’i at Mānoa (Manōa? Manoā? I never did quite remember where the macron went…). My last day will be May 14th, 2016. 

My bank account has been sufficiently drained by the university, and after careful consideration, I realize that there is simply no other choice but to depart from the islands. 

It has been a pleasure living in you over the last three years. One of the highlights of my time here was the Anuhea concert where I got to actually talk to Anuhea and see Justin Young and Colbie Caillat. I should have gotten my purse signed again by her but what can you do? You are poised for much success and I wish you all the best with your new railroad system and the comeback of the ferry.

Hawai’i, thank you again for the opportunity of calling you my home for all these years. I wish you and all who live here all the best and I look forward to returning again one day soon. 

Sincerely,

Zoey “Ū’ilani” 808

———————-

Inspired by a group message from my mother:

The Table Game

One of the most amusing things I experience in Campus Center all the time is what I call “the table game.” What that is, is when two or more people are walking toward the same table and you wait to see which person/group swerves first. The funny part though is how the person who loses plays off that they were intending on sitting. That is actually literally what happened at the table I am currently sat at right now. It’s not that there isn’t room for him at the table. Currently, there are actually 4 chairs I’m not using.

But no, he swerved off to try and find a seat alone. However, while I was sitting alone at a different spot earlier this morning, this girl sat across from me. Plopped her purse onto the chair between us and lounged out on the chair not missing a beat in her conversation on the phone.

The strange thing is, I felt awkward in both of these situations. Part of me wanted the dude to just be able to sit down, maybe say hi, and for both of us to be able to just go on about whatever we were going to do alone at the table. The other part of me feels very anti-social. Why did she sit across from me when there are probably other seats around… probably. At least ask me if the seat is open or if she could sit there. I wouldn’t have said no. Of course, she couldn’t know that. At the same time, she has no idea if I was saving the table for my massive study group. No, I just sat there across from her awkwardly trying to drown out her booming gossip with my music and focus on my writing.

Why does this feel so strange though? I mean, ideally, that would be the a good mental place to be in. To be able to confidently sit across from someone you don’t know, happily continuing on your own thing. Having them not mind you and to get a seat. That should be the ideal. So why is it so weird? Maybe it’s just the anti-social hermit in me wanting to be hidden in this bubble of safety from unnecessary social interaction. I hate how contradictory my mind can get at times like this.

Set A Quota, Meet The Quota

Let’s be honest, I wouldn’t know what to kick start this year of blogging with if not for Zoey’s comment. Aside from my writing journey, Zoey has also asked about my writing process and how my average writing day looks like. Thank you for asking, Zoey! I’m more than happy to answer. So, let me get […]

https://jeynagrace.wordpress.com/2016/02/04/set-a-quota-meet-the-quota/
Jeyna answered my other question about her writing process and I’ve got to admit, she’s got a lot more focus and determination than I do. But hopefully, I will get to this level one day and be able to write to a level of professionalism as her being able to pop out a novel a month or even Jeff’s short story a day. 

Like my poetry novel >:U I want this to be a thing and be awesome but at the same time it’s like nah bruh. Writers block wants to be a thing. I just want to write. So I’ve just got to write… 

Word association

You 

smiles

laughs

Happiness 

Comfort

Trust

Betrayed 

Lies

Hate

Heart 

Blood

Pain 

Tears

Weak

Me

Tears

Why is it that when you cry, those tears can attack your entire being?

I can understand the eyes. 

The burning and stinging from too much water pouring out of them. The soreness of having rubbed them too much while furiously wiping away your tears to see. The lingering urge to keep them closed while you blink just to give them a moment’s rest.

I can understand the eyes. 

What I don’t understand is the rest of the body. Why is it that when tears roll, that my head pulses and races and screams out against every mistake I’ve ever made? Why is it that when I give in, so do my legs, rendering me helpless to the floor? Why does my chest pang? Why does my heart ache? Why does my stomache turn? Why is my throat dry? Why when I cry does every part of my being hurt so much?

………………………..

It’s probably something stupid, like love. 

Reminders

It’s strange how random things can remind you of people. I was out at Starbucks today and glanced at this fire alarm. To anyone else, I’m sure this is just a fire alarm but when I saw it my mind clicked back to my ex-boyfriend. I used to have this book that I absolutely adored called Emergency: This Book Will Save Your Life by Neil Strauss (And you know you’ve read a book too many times when you don’t even have to look up the title or author name even after you haven’t seen the book for 2 years). I lent this book to my ex, while we were dating, because I knew he would enjoy it just as much as I did, if not more. And – to make everything make sense – the cover of the book is a picture of a fire alarm, exactly like this one. He never gave that book back after we broke up. And I never really wanted another copy because that one had all my notes and annotations in it. 😕

Just sharing a thought from today. Don’t know if there’s a lesson to be learned from it but it just felt worth sharing.

To Write 100 Books & Die

Jeyna is an amazing indie writer and was so kind as to share her self-publishing experience with me ❤

Jeyna Grace

Fellow blogger Zoey told me she is interested in hearing my self-publishing experience. So to start off this new year of blogging, I’ve decided to fill you in on what it’s been like for me. But before I get into my five years in this indie industry, let me share with you my writing goal. It’s pretty straightforward. My goal is to write 100 books and die.

Simply put, I want to write as many books as I can in my lifetime. Whether or not it becomes my full time career, whether or not I become a bestselling author, whether or not the world knows my name, I just want to write. Money and fame are not my goals as an author, they are added bonuses (bonuses I would love to have, of course). But ultimately, writing and writing and writing is my goal. That is why I chose to…

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One Of Those Days

 

scribbling down the feelsies

I’ll be fine. ❤

Lyrics:
It’s just one of those days, I guess
When the sun rises & it sets
And the laundry still lies on the floor
The sheets tangle me to the bed
Don’t have the strength to raise my head
Not that it really matters anymore

The sad thing is the sky is blue
Not a single cloud in view
Why’s the world so vibrant, when I’m so grey?

** Chorus**
So I toss on a smile
And I fake it for a while
Least until I believe it too
And I say, “I am fine.”
And I know my lines
For this show I put on called my life
**

instrumental

**
And tomorrow will be the same
And I’ll continue to play this game
At least until my time finally comes
Or the world becomes less mundane
And day-to-day is no longer pain
But a chance for me to start anew

** chorus **
instrumental

So I toss on a smile
And I fake it for a while
Least until I believe it too
And I’ll write another song
And both of us will sing-along
And for that moment I’ll be fine

I’ll be fine…

I Hate New Years.

A lot of people hate holidays, especially the winter holidays, because they’re fake, forced, or marketing commercialism trash. I hate New Years for all that and the fact that it’s nothing more than an arbitrary flip of the calendar. Same as you do every month. Except this one is special, it is supposed to be the new year! A fresh start! A clean slate! It’s not though. All your problems, all your issues, all your failures, anxieties, and defeats… They’ll all follow you into the “new year.” Nothing changes from 11:59 to 00:00. And I think the way we celebrate it is even symbolic of that, we bring in the new year having stayed up all the night before, eating trash food that we’re going to swear off of for the year only to return to it within the month. A good portion of us drunken, sick, and miserable. Nothing changes. You’ll go on with the same routine you’ve always had and you’ll continue towards whatever goals you’ve already been working towards. “New Years” has nothing to do with that nor any of the success you’ll find yourself in 2016. 

I started off 2016 alone in my dorm room wishing for the year to end already. It’s awful when you see the clock flip and you’re surrounded by nothing but your own pathetic emptiness and imaginary, unrealistic hopes for the upcoming year. I know exactly what is going to happen to me in 2016, the exact same thing that happened in 2015&2014. I’ll make some good friends, mess pretty much everything up in my life, get my heart broken right out the gate (as I seem to do almost every January), and proceed to wake up every morning feeling unaccomplished and useless. I’ll try to reach towards the same big goals I always do: read, write, record, and stop being a fatass. And I’ll continue to fall short in everything.
Hopefully I’m wrong for your sake December 2016 Zoey. Probably not though. Sorry. 

-Z

SOMA: I think, therefore…

If you’re subbed to a gaming channel, chances are that you’ve heard of the game SOMA. The game was made by Frictional Games, the creators of Amnesia: The Dark Descent. It was hyped up to be this science fiction horror game but ended up being more of an atmospheric mystery adventure. Now, I want to say right off the bat, because I know it’s starting to sound like it, this isn’t a game review. I’ll be talking about SOMA but I won’t be going into game play or game design or even graphics. Want a review? Go here: http://gametabloid.com/review/soma Go! Have fun with Jeff. That being said, let’s talk spoilers.

SOMA MENU

In SOMA, you play as Simon Jarrett, a normal Canadian guy from the year 2015 who has just sustained a head trauma and is going in for a brain scan. However, once you get to your “doctor,” you discover that he is actually a medical graduate student and your treatment is an experimental project of his. You agree to go through with the procedure, sit in the machine, close your eyes, and open them to a whole new world. You learn that this is the year 2103 and the Earth has been taken out by a meteor. The last of humanity has all had their brains scanned and uploaded into “THE ARK,” a virtual reality world meant to be shot into space contained in this satellite-like rocket. You meet one scanned scientist, named Catherine Chun, who asks you to aid her in her journey to figure out what happened to her ARK project, because even though she is a scan, she wasn’t uploaded into THE ARK. Along the way, she helps you cope with and accept the reality that you are no longer human; you – Simon Jarrett – are a brain scan of Simon Jarrett from 2015. At one point, Simon tries to move his consciousness from one corpse into a new corpse. However, when you look at the previous corpse you inhabited, you hear it still breathing. You realize it is still alive; that YOU are still in there. Simon freaks out and Catherine explains that you copied your consciousness into the new corpse.

At the END OF THE GAME (making sure you see this so you can have your second spoiler warning) – the “Good Ending” where you launch THE ARK – this happens again. Simon and Catherine successfully upload themselves into THE ARK, but you wake up in the launch chair, still in the same corpse, as if you had failed. Catherine explains to you, yet again, that you made it. You were copied into THE ARK, you did it. Simon freaks out and screams “THEY ARE NOT US!!!” Because you’ve over-stressed her system with all the fighting, Catherine crashes and shuts down. You are left alone on the post-apocalyptic Earth. Well, depending on whether or not you killed everyone. I’d like to think that Simon can just go back to Simon copy #1 and become best friends. But that’s only head canon so…

Yeah, I left out a lot of other aspects of the game, (if you want to know the rest you can go ahead and play it, it’s 30 bucks on steam) but this is the main story ark (pun intended) that I wanted to focus on: this game’s concept of what “the self” is. It’s hard enough to define what the self is within our own lives. Is there an aspect of me that is always there? Is there something within me that I can call me? How do I define reality? Humanity? What does it mean to “be?” These are all questions that people spend a lifetime or more pondering over. People get degrees. People write novels upon novels on the topic… never quite knowing if they’ve truly gotten the answer.

Now, add another layer onto that. What if we are nothing more than a game of SIMS? A life simulation game for life forms greater than ourselves… What if we are copies of people out in a real world that has long since withered away? Or even take the virtual reality out of it. What if our life, our whole existence, is just ink on a page? What if you are just a character in a book brought to life and given a story? And our whole universe is just a thought in someone’s mind? Would knowing this make life any more worth living? Any less? If you knew for certain you were not real, what would you do? What could you do?

I think this line of thinking gives me a little more hope. I don’t consider myself a very religious person, probably due to the fact I was raised in a house with two religions. But this gives me a sense of peace in an afterlife. The thought that my story can be pulled back up and edited to be happier. The thought that my game can be reloaded and maybe next time they’ll know the game a bit better and I’ll have a happier play through. It’s a nice little thought to put your mind at peace.

But there’s still that thought, that phrase Simon shouted “They are not us!” I still have my life to live. I still have my pain to suffer through. I won’t be the one who gets the happy play through. I have my play through to do. I won’t be the “me” that they load up in the next game or edit into the next version of my story. But… is it still me, or at least a part of me?

Thoughts like this always lead me back to the theory of parallel universes, in which everything you think can happen is happening. According to this theory, there is a universe out there where I am married to Darren Criss, living in a beach-house in Hawaii, with two dogs, a ferret, and our adopted son, Zachary Dean [insert Hawaiian name from my mom here] Criss. Should I feel happy for the version of me living that life? There’s also one where I was brutally murdered with a chainsaw in a library massacre. Should I feel sorrow for that me? Should I even spend my time wondering what “me” I am? Or is it a waste of thought? Should I just live as whichever version of myself I am and stop questioning? … So many thoughts…

Thoughts on Goodbyes (For Dan from the Cyndago Guys)

Sometimes I find it hard to find words to speak.

Sometimes I can only find them to sing.

This is one of those times.

I really wish you could’ve known how much you are loved.

RIP Daniel Kyre

The Daily Day Posted My Video

I almost asked Noelle to take it off the list because I was so afraid of the reaction I would get. Which would have been so hypocritical of me… To make a video telling people to speak and be heard, yet asking for my words to be hidden. I didn’t though and I’m honestly happy with the response. Most of everyone was kind and thoughful in the comments, even the one that told me that “if I had the courage to film myself, it would have held more weight,” was even constructive criticism that I appreciated.

The reason I was so afraid of posting again, the reason I felt I needed to hide my face, was how negative everyone was with my last post…  Last time, I read A Martian Sends A Post Card Home to give everyone something to think about and the backlash was pretty harsh. I was early. I was surrounded by people that didn’t want to hear my voice. I got scared. So, I hid this time. I still wanted to post, because I knew I had something to say… but I was still afraid that as soon as people saw my face, they’d think “OH. HER AGAIN. READING ANOTHER BOOK.” The mere thought of that negativity led me to hide behind pictures. I’m glad though. I’m so happy that I got my words out and even that i got them out the way I did. It just feels the most authentic to who I am. I am my OC more than I am this awkward bundle of nerves that make up my body.

What’s in a Name?

This has happened to me too often to even be funny at this point in my life. I’m not good with names or faces. It’ll probably take you telling me where you know me and at least five events in which we have interacted for me to process who you are, unless I hang with you on a regular basis. And by regular basis I literally mean every day for at least three months. I do wish though, that I could be shameless and admit it when I don’t recognize people. I know way too well how to skirt around not knowing people, “Hey! I haven’t seen you in forever! How’s life? Anything new going on with you? *Talk about myself for like five minutes* Oh hey, do I have on Facebook? *hands phone* here add in your contact info and all that fun and we will definitely go get coffee or something soon!” and peace the eff out of there.

Nothing Gold Can Stay (my thoughts on imperminance)

  
Throughout life we are constantly changing. We have different beliefs, passions, goals, and paths. We change.  Sometimes this all can be scary, you can have a good thing going and it can be hard to let it go. The idea is though, that good things have happened but better things are yet to come. We have to leave ourselves open to change and to the world throwing new obstacles our way. It’s a part of the human condition, it is inevitable, and – above all – it is necessary. 

  
So what can we do to deal with this everlasting change? Accept it. There is no way of stopping that which is inevitable, as much as TV would love you to believe otherwise. So there is nothing more you can do but accept that life will happen whether you are ready for it or not. With or without you. Your only choice is how you react to the change of the seasons. 

Why Beauty and The Beast is an Awful Movie (And I Hate It)

Tale as old as time, awful as can be. Okay, okay that is a little harsh but the point is, I don’t like this movie. And while I could go by scene by scene as to why I hate this movie, that would involve me watching it again which I don’t want to do. So, I’m not going to do that. Instead, I’m going to focus on the main reason that I hate it.

EVERYONE IS THIS MOVIE IS A TERRIBLE PERSON

Yes, everyone. The villains. The heroes. The enchantress. The random towns people. Everyone. There isn’t a single redeemable character in the film. Okay arguably, if we are getting super nit-picky, there are two slightly forgivable characters but I’ll come back to them later.

Let’s start off with the main character, Belle. Beautiful, smart, quirky Belle.

The woman who doesn’t give a crap about the beautiful town and COUNTRY she lives in (Hello, you are in FRANCE!), the people that give her nice free things because she is pretty without her having to put much effort into anything, a man – who in any other Disney movie and in the eyes of everyone else in the town would be the hero of the story – who is in love with her for the same reason every other Disney prince loves their main love interest, including the beast, by the by. No, to her life is provincial and pointless and dull and uninteresting. She is so wrapped up in her books and fictional worlds, that she is probably missing the themes they are trying to tell her. Which are probably, go live life and experience things because the world is more magical than it seems, if you give it a chance to show you. Also, Belle doesn’t even really care about books. She let a sheep eat a page.

Of course, I could rant for days why Gaston is an awful human being and probably deserved the brutal death he got at the end of Beauty and the Beast but I feel like the movie hammered it in pretty well, so I will be brief. He is a misogynistic egomaniac and a jerk.

But, so is the beast… *Googles his human name* …Adam.

— SIDE NOTE —

Does anyone else find it weird that in most of the pictures that you see of Disneyland it is always Belle and Gaston hanging out and not Belle and Adam? Like I feel like Adam should be his human self at the parks because presumably, the events from the movie should already have happened, since majority of the characters are themselves after the events of their movies (i.e. Ariel is a human, Cinderella is a princess, Snow white doesn’t live with the dwarves, all of the princes know their princesses).  Which also brings up the question why Gaston is even at the park. He should be dead. All of the villains should be dead.

Which brings us to, of course, the beloved Beast. Now, I know the whole point is that he learns from Belle how to stop being a terrible person so that they can fall in love and he can reverse the curse but — and I say this in most sincere and understanding way possible, B-B-B-B-Bull crap. Being that he was eleven years old when he made the fatal mistake of refusing the enchantress hospitality (a point I will revisit in a minute), he couldn’t know love or kindness or anything other than anger, hate, isolation, misery, sadness, and pain. So, the first human woman he meets he locks up in a cage because that’s what he does to people because throughout his whole emotional maturity from 11 to 20 has been being hated and judged for being a big scary buffalo monster prince. He only starts caring about her once the servants tell him he can use her captivity to emotionally manipulate her into falling in love with him to break the curse. And he only really starts being kind to her because she’s a pretty girl in a beautiful dress. That’s not love, that is lust. And lust has no place in a Disney movie, despite what the dust in the wind might say.

The same point carries on for the servants, they don’t give a second thought as to what’s going on in Belle’s life outside of her imprisonment in the castle. They only care about the beast breaking the curse because they don’t want to be inanimate-animate objects anymore. For all they know, Belle COULD HAVE been married or in love with Gaston and leading a perfectly happy little life in France with her baguettes and books. All they know about her is that she cares enough about her father to take his place in the castle as the beast’s prisoner. And, as far as we see in the film, they don’t bother to actually learn anything else beyond that about her. It’s all about hurrying up getting the two to be “in love.”

Speaking of Belle’s dad, he’s insane. I know it is a bad thing that Le Fou and Gaston wanted to send him to a mental institute but he was crazy even *before* he started ranting and raving about the Beast and sentient furniture. I mean, it is even apparent in how Belle interacts with him that he is an old man and his sanity is going. Plus, assuming that Belle is around the same age as the beast (18-21) why is she living at home? Oh yeah, because her mom is dead and her dad apparently can’t take care of himself so she has to live with him and take care of him.

Then there is the townspeople, which is another short point. Everyone in the entire town thinks smart, beautiful chicks are not and cannot be a thing. They all blindly believe that Gaston is a hero and are all so busy with their lives to give a crap about LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD. Like, perhaps — oh, I don’t know — who is even in charge of the place and what happened to the prince that should supposedly be ruling over this country.

And the biggest jerk of them all in the film, the Enchantress. What is her problem!? She comes up to the castle looking like a creepy old haggard beggar and asks the eleven year old child prince if she can stay in the castle. OF COURSE HE IS GOING TO REJECT YOU! He is an eleven year old pampered prince! I’m shocked he even answered the door! I mean, even as a little kid you yell to your parents that there is a person at the door when somebody knocks, if you don’t know immediately that it is one of your friends. Little child prince Adam has literally dozens of servants and workers in his castle plus he is a little kid, he has no reason to even think of answering the door. Plus, ever hear of a little phrase “stranger danger,” enchantress? Obviously not! Then, to add insult to injury, she curses everyone in the castle. Adam, all of the servants, the children who happened to be there, and even the friggin’ DOG! WHAT IS THE PURPOSE IN CURSING THE DOG!? There is NO REASON for her to curse the dog!

I’m sorry I get so worked up about this movie but it is stupid and I hate it.

Oh and the two people that are arguably okay in the film are Chip and Le Fou

Chip is a child, he is innocent in the enchantress’s curse and honestly believes in the power of love and that Belle and the beast are in love. So, he gets a pass. And Le Fou is a loyal and never wavering best friend who, despite being treated like crap by Gaston and the people in the town, honestly cares about Gaston and makes sure he is always 100% happy. Even when he is getting his ass handed to him by furniture, he doesn’t question his resolve because his best friend and inspiration, Gaston, is relying on him to help him save Belle, his future wife as far as Le Fou is concerned. So, even as a villain he gets a pass too.

More written words

   
 

The Painter

  

And Handle Me With Care

Sometimes you hear songs that flood back memories of people, places, moments… the images flutter in your head and you find a small smile and the beginnings of tears. This is one of those songs for me. I won’t share the moments because those are mine and mine alone. However, I did want to share the song in hopes of bringing that feeling to others or hearing the songs that ignite others memories.