With how much my day-to-day relies on me focusing on the now, sometimes I forget to look back and see how far I’ve come. The picture on the left is my senior year of high school. That girl only ever had two boyfriends, was quietly in love with her best friend – who was never available -, the only person who she actively hung out with was her old 8th, 10th, and 11th grade English teacher. She only worked volunteer jobs, but she had a plan of action for the future. Her biggest passion was dreaming of standing up on a stage, singing songs on her ukulele with some dancing dolphins.
Cut to now, I’ve had many a heartbreak – probably more than my fair share considering the timeline – and I’m still searching for my someone. I’m still forever going to love my best friend but I also know that we’re meant to be best friends. And I’m okay with that. I’ve switched majors from Animal Science to Creative Writing and I’ve dropped out of University. I’ve worked a job at Domino’s and was rejected from six jobs before finally finding them and becoming a part of that family. I’ve had to quit and realized that, no matter how hard I try at it, I’m just not a family person. I’ve made more real, deeper connections with my friends and family online than anyone I’ve met face-to-face first. Most importantly to me though, I’m living the dream scribbling down my fantasies for people to one day read. I’m a writer and, one day very soon, I’ll be able to call myself an author. And it’s all because of a silly random creative stream raid on Twitch, where a dorky plushieman in Alabama decided to sew a cube Foamy the squirrel. Although, that is one constant that she and I and a little 12 year old have in common. Foamy the Squirrel.
Despite all of these experiences making up the person I see in the mirror, I forget that she never knew all of these things when I was her. And in a day, in a week, in another three years, that me won’t be the me I am now either. Others won’t recognize us as the same, because we won’t be the same. Anything could happen to me tommorow, and although tomorrow is never promised, if it does come, it brings change.
I hope you embrace it well, Zoey
Posted: 11 May, 2016 in 2016
11 May 2016
Please accept this letter as notice of my resignation from my position as a student at the University of Hawai’i at Mānoa (Manōa? Manoā? I never did quite remember where the macron went…). My last day will be May 14th, 2016.
My bank account has been sufficiently drained by the university, and after careful consideration, I realize that there is simply no other choice but to depart from the islands.
It has been a pleasure living in you over the last three years. One of the highlights of my time here was the Anuhea concert where I got to actually talk to Anuhea and see Justin Young and Colbie Caillat. I should have gotten my purse signed again by her but what can you do? You are poised for much success and I wish you all the best with your new railroad system and the comeback of the ferry.
Hawai’i, thank you again for the opportunity of calling you my home for all these years. I wish you and all who live here all the best and I look forward to returning again one day soon.
Zoey “Ū’ilani” 808
Inspired by a group message from my mother:
Posted: 4 May, 2016 in 2016
One of the most amusing things I experience in Campus Center all the time is what I call “the table game.” What that is, is when two or more people are walking toward the same table and you wait to see which person/group swerves first. The funny part though is how the person who loses plays off that they were intending on sitting. That is actually literally what happened at the table I am currently sat at right now. It’s not that there isn’t room for him at the table. Currently, there are actually 4 chairs I’m not using.
But no, he swerved off to try and find a seat alone. However, while I was sitting alone at a different spot earlier this morning, this girl sat across from me. Plopped her purse onto the chair between us and lounged out on the chair not missing a beat in her conversation on the phone.
The strange thing is, I felt awkward in both of these situations. Part of me wanted the dude to just be able to sit down, maybe say hi, and for both of us to be able to just go on about whatever we were going to do alone at the table. The other part of me feels very anti-social. Why did she sit across from me when there are probably other seats around… probably. At least ask me if the seat is open or if she could sit there. I wouldn’t have said no. Of course, she couldn’t know that. At the same time, she has no idea if I was saving the table for my massive study group. No, I just sat there across from her awkwardly trying to drown out her booming gossip with my music and focus on my writing.
Why does this feel so strange though? I mean, ideally, that would be the a good mental place to be in. To be able to confidently sit across from someone you don’t know, happily continuing on your own thing. Having them not mind you and to get a seat. That should be the ideal. So why is it so weird? Maybe it’s just the anti-social hermit in me wanting to be hidden in this bubble of safety from unnecessary social interaction. I hate how contradictory my mind can get at times like this.
Posted: 12 March, 2016 in Uncategorized
Why is it that when you cry, those tears can attack your entire being?
I can understand the eyes.
The burning and stinging from too much water pouring out of them. The soreness of having rubbed them too much while furiously wiping away your tears to see. The lingering urge to keep them closed while you blink just to give them a moment’s rest.
I can understand the eyes.
What I don’t understand is the rest of the body. Why is it that when tears roll, that my head pulses and races and screams out against every mistake I’ve ever made? Why is it that when I give in, so do my legs, rendering me helpless to the floor? Why does my chest pang? Why does my heart ache? Why does my stomache turn? Why is my throat dry? Why when I cry does every part of my being hurt so much?
It’s probably something stupid, like love.
Posted: 29 February, 2016 in Uncategorized
It’s strange how random things can remind you of people. I was out at Starbucks today and glanced at this fire alarm. To anyone else, I’m sure this is just a fire alarm but when I saw it my mind clicked back to my ex-boyfriend. I used to have this book that I absolutely adored called Emergency: This Book Will Save Your Life by Neil Strauss (And you know you’ve read a book too many times when you don’t even have to look up the title or author name even after you haven’t seen the book for 2 years). I lent this book to my ex, while we were dating, because I knew he would enjoy it just as much as I did, if not more. And – to make everything make sense – the cover of the book is a picture of a fire alarm, exactly like this one. He never gave that book back after we broke up. And I never really wanted another copy because that one had all my notes and annotations in it. 😕
Just sharing a thought from today. Don’t know if there’s a lesson to be learned from it but it just felt worth sharing.